Selfish

I've always wanted children. No, that's not true. I've always wanted a child, singular. And not a child, but a daughter. I envision my future so vividly with a girl with pigtails on a swing set waving to me and whispering to her playground friends, "That's my mom." I never see this future with a partner by my side. My boyfriend and I talk about the idea of children all the time - not that we're that serious - but not once have I been able to picture him or anyone else as a co-parent. Though when I think about what I want - a little girl who is mine and only mine - I know that it is selfish. Above all, I want to be a good mother. I don't think I'd be a good mother to a son, and that's why I don't want one. How the hell am I supposed to potty train him alone? But raising a daughter within heteronormative conventions wouldn't make me a good mom either. I've been fortunate enough to be surrounded by people of all sexes, genders, sexualities, and identities. I love these people like my brothers and sisters, so I know my queer daughter will have that same love from me. But I would be so scared to guide her through a world that is not kind to the LGBTQI family. How can I comfort her when she comes home from school, crying because she is actually he, and he can't use the bathroom he wants? What can I, a cis, straight, kind of white woman of privilege who has never even by a margin experienced that level of hate and discrimination, say to my son to keep his hopes up? That terrifies me, that the disparity in our identities and experiences would push him away from me. I just want to be a good mother.

-jcn